Recovering a Sense of Autonomy 💌
Ten thoughts from my Morning Pages 📝
It’s near the end, so I looked through my morning pages and here are some of the (more cohesive) things I wrote. Often the practice feels mundane and a little stilted, but reading through, there is a lot happening in these pages. It’s like this that big change happens. I think it’s all random, but in many ways I’ve been actively pivoting and instigating the change.
Also, let it be known that a big chunk of what I wrote in my morning pages went something like:
I don’t know what to write today, I don’t know what to write today, I am sitting here and I don’t know what to write today.
I am writing from a park bench today. It’s a little later than usual and there are people walking their dogs, walking to work, walking to get their morning pastry. This has always been one of my favourite places to be. Alone in public. To sit in this space that is mine right now, but quickly disappears into a grander scene, and when I leave it becomes someone else’s. I suspect this is the same reason I love dancing in a dark and dingy club. I close my eyes and I’m alone surrounded by people I don’t know. This is one of my favourite feelings. I must go out dancing soon. I must, I must.
I don’t know what I mean when I say God, and I thought I would have figured it out by now but when Hafez wrote: start seeing everything as God, but keep it a secret, I listened. God, God, God, God. Who is God to me? What is God to me? This is the most present God has been on my mind since I left home. I tried a different word but that didn’t work. The word is not the problem, it’s the image. Everyday I will think of God when I see what is right in front of me. Right now God is My Cat. My Cat is God. This makes me smile. I can hold God in my arms, granted, only for 10 seconds or so before God starts scratching my arm because God hates being held. Okay. This makes a lot of sense to me.
It’s not always a good idea to analyse things so closely but more importantly it’s never a good idea to analyse things so closely late at night. I am so tired this morning, I wish I had let it all rest.
If I quit my part-time job I fear I will fail and have to find another part-time job. If I don’t quit my part-time job I fear I won’t ever fully commit to this. If I quit my part-time job I fear I will find out that this thing I commit to is nothing at all and I don’t have it in me. If I don’t quit my part-time job I fear I will stay there forever. If I quit my part-time job I fear I’m being terribly irresponsible. If I don’t quit my part-time job I fear I’m being terribly irresponsible. Do I fear everything? Do we all fear everything? I fear everything. This is good to know. The right decision doesn’t feel less fearful. Okay. Good.